Hi, friends! 🙂
I’ve been very, very absent. (Sorry)
Mainly absent in my responsibility to my blog, but also in my life. I think that the reason that I haven’t written in 5 months is that I’ve always tried super hard to be positive in my blog posts. But lately, I haven’t felt very positive. Don’t get me wrong, its not ALL bad. But disclaimer: I can’t sunshine-and-rainbow you with an inspiring and positive post.
When I decided to start this blog, I made the decision to share some personal things with my readers. So for my fifth post, I will update you and also share what I’ve experienced during the past five months.
I wish I could say that all is peachy and easy and cool and that I’m happy to be where I am. Yeah, yeah… I’m happy that I’m not dead, which was a likely possibility. My last posts were very positive and optimistic, and I’ve tried to maintain that mentality throughout cancer and post-treatment. With that being said, it was a damn lie.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “fake it ’till you make it”? Yeah, well that shit only goes so far. I tried faking it, and it didn’t work. Everything fell apart.
Short cancer update: I’m still in remission, I’m working, I’m living with my papa, feeling better physically, my hair is growing and is basically a mini afro. Also, it’s almost one year since my diagnosis. Us cancer patients call it our “cancer-versary”.
Instead of going into extremely personal and excruciating detail, I’m going to share some things that I learned the past five months. I hate to be all Buzz Feed on you, but this is what I learned- the hard way. I hope that you all can relate in one way or another.
Not everyone will understand/stick around/be there for you when shit hits the fan.
Look, I totally understand personal limits. But if you want to truly test the limits of love and friendship- get cancer. Like, PLEASE for the love of God, don’t get cancer, but you get what I mean. Most people assume that if you have a traumatic event in your life, or are going through a dark time, your loved ones will be there every step of the way. Not always true- and be prepared for that. Honestly and truly, most people don’t know how to handle/be there for someone who is physically and mentally unstable. It sucks, but it’s true. And you don’t know if you can handle it until you’re in that position with someone that you care about. It took me a while to not be pissed off at those who seemingly abandoned or gave up on me, but I’m trying to learn to be sympathetic towards that. I’ve always been a lot to handle, but me with cancer- watch out world. I’m sorry to have lost the people that I lost, but really, at this point, it was inevitable. And THATS OKAY. Cancer or not- you lose and gain relationships. Failed relationships aren’t an indicator of a bad person, one way or another. And as a friend once told me, “You’re always the bad guy in somebody’s book”.
YOU CAN’T HEAL/FEEL BETTER/COPE WITH VICES!
Listen, guilty pleasures only go so far. Yes I feel like shit emotionally and want to be alone and binge watch Forensic Files and feel sorry for myself and drink a 12 pack of claws and eat a pint of Ben & Jerrys and eat the biggest size of roast beef and curly fries that Arby’s offers all to myself… But when I wake up in the morning after that, I feel worse. Its okay to have vices- everyone does, but its important (I learned the hard way) to keep your vices in check. Because if you let that shit get out of hand, it’s worse than feeling alone or having terrible gas from all of the Arby’s and ice cream that you ate. It can lead to self destruction- which never did anybody any good.
(Its a bit trite, but…) Its okay to not be okay.
I spend so much f-ing time worrying about the fact that I feel like I don’t have my shit together. I spend so much time worrying about it that I never get any actual time to get my shit together. It’s like I’m constantly chasing a way to be that I can’t achieve. I beat myself up (I think as most of us tend to do to a degree) stressing about what I SHOULD be feeling, instead of actually confronting how I feel. Do yourself a favor, don’t stress about the fact that you’re going through a rough patch. I’m not saying sit down and take it, I’m saying accept the situation you’re in so that you can come up with a solution. I’ve wasted so many months feeling sorry for myself when I could just be making steps to correct it.
Anyways… I really enjoy blogging and want to make an effort to do it more consistently. But this is my update, even though it’s a bit short.
As always, thanks for reading, love you.